Monday, 20 August 2007

More Waiting, More Wondering, More Worrying

At the same time as getting the 'official' results of my liver scan, last week, I also got the results of my latest bone scan.

The bone scan showed hot spots on my pelvis (where I've been having worsening pain for almost two months now), and on my shoulder.
So I'm waiting for an 'urgent' appointment to have an MRI scan, to see if I now also have cancer secondaries in my bones.. which my oncologist feels is likely, due to my history with this wonderful disease.
I'm not sure what the NHS' definition of urgent is. But I was told a week ago, that an urgent appointment would be made.

So I'm back to waiting, wondering, and worrying.
Anyone who's been in a similar situation will understand the how hellish it is, to be waiting for scans and results.
It's on your mind as soon as you wake up in the morning. You might manage to forget about it for a few minutes at a time, throughout the day, while other parts of your life are distracting you. But it's never far away from the fron of your mind. And it's there, niggling at your thoughts, as you're going to sleep at night. Quite often, it even manages to make an appearance in some horrible form, in your dreams.

If the cancer is now in my bones too, it'll be more chemo. Something I'd hoped to be able to avoid, for as long as possible.

I should be picking up my new car (VW Polo) next week. I just need to sell my MGF now.. which I'll miss.
It's nice to be able to drive through the countryside, in the sunshine, with the roof down. But needs must, and all that. And my needs dictate that I must swap my pretty little convertible, for a sensible automatic VW.

Thursday, 2 August 2007

It's a Good Day!

Wednesday 1st August 2007. 4:10pm

The relief when the nice doctor chap who was doing my liver scan, earlier today, said “I'm struggling to find anything abnormal”, is unimaginable to anyone who hasn't been in a similar situation.
It's like being told I'm allowed to carry on with life for a while longer. And the more of life I get, the more I want.

So yes, the nice doctor couldn't see any 'discrete masses' in my liver. It was music to my ears.
In fact, no.. no music has ever sounded anywhere near as good, as good as that statement sounded.
He said all he could see, was some ghosting (which I suppose is like scarring), where the 10cm mass once was. Apparently this is perfectly normal after being treated with chemo.
Obviously, I'm not cured (oh, if only!), and I haven't had the 'all clear'.

I'll never hear any of those words, because it can't be cured, and I'll never be given the all clear. But I have been given a break.

While I know I'll never stop worrying and wondering when and where the cancer's going to rear it's ugly head again, the worry will be a little less, for a while.
The hospital appointments and Herceptin treatments will continue. And I'll continue to be monitored using various tests and scans, until.. well, until forever.

So here I sit again, in my fabulous flat.. Looking out across the park, and catching the scent of the grass that was cut this morning, on the breeze that's wafting through the window.

Today's a good day.

On the subject of my fabulous new flat, I've had a couple of interesting experiences since I moved in..

The first happened on the first weekend I was here. James was here too, and we were sleeping on the futon, in the living room, because I hadn't yet got my new bed.
Just as I was drifting off to sleep, I had the feeling that there was 'something' there, with us. From what I remember, it seemed to be a hand reaching for me. I know I mentioned this to James, the day after.. I must remember to ask him what I said about it.
It startled me anyway, and I jolted awake.

The second happened last night. Again, as I was drifting off to sleep.
I was quite warm, so I'd half thrown the duvet off myself. Then, in my dopey, falling asleep state, I saw/felt a hand about to get hold of the duvet, and cover me up.
Again, it startled me, and jolted me awake. But it didn't scare me. Whatever it is.. whether it's simply my mind playing tricks, or something else, 'the hand' seems to want to look after me, by making sure I'm covered up in bed!

Now, I could turn this into some spooky ghost story, but I'm not going to.
These flats are brand new. No-one's lived in this one before me, so no-one's died here!
I'm not sure what the land was used for before the houses and flats were built.

So, I have three possible explanations for these interesting experiences..
1) It's all in my (semi-conscious) mind.
2) It's a ghosty type person.
3) It's the energy and thoughts of my friends and family, looking after me.
I'd quite like to think it's number 3.